@KentWGraham

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

@BrucioMcCulloch

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

@karanbirtinna

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

@thatdutchperson

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

@SortaBad

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

@FredTaming

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

@scrappy_momma

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.