MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
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Butt weight. There’s more!
Never forget.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.