@saucy_peaches

Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
5.
6. Don’t get married

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@VerbsRProudest

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

@dshack8

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

@carlyken

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

@Maxine12333

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?

What my wife said: If you want to

What I heard: If you want to live

@FeelingEuphoric

two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@Book_Krazy

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@bornmiserable

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean