[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.