Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
6. Don’t get married

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My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.


Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.



[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money


When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.


Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?

What my wife said: If you want to

What I heard: If you want to live


two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer


The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”


Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE


“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean