Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
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boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
how long have you had this for?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.