Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. Iβm sorry ππππ
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I donβt think theyβre tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess Iβm attracted to squirrels now.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now sheβs my half sister
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Some of you are like family to me. I donβt want you calling me either.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out itβs Tuesday
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that Iβ¦ (trying to impress her) β¦am a criminal
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler wonβt understand what weβre saying, but we both spell like shit so we canβt understand what weβre saying either.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesnβt speak English
3: Woof Woof
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!