[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
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I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
i’m laughing very hard in real life
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now