@TheAlexP
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
@amydillon
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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@TheAlexP
@matt_simpson84
The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.
@WilliamRodgers
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
@DanMentos
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
@carlyken
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
@ShootyDoody
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
@JoshuaHvr
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
@Awk0Tacoo
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
@SpokenDamsel
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
@shopkins776
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed