Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it
Me *enters new password*
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”