@amydillon: Married conversation is like regular conversation except you're both brushing your teeth.
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@edgarrants: Telling my wife I'm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
@TylerLinkin: Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
@spicy_peen: How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
@zebrasyndicate: Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore. Me: Got it. [Later] Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I- Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.