@edgarrants: Telling my wife I'm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@TylerLinkin: Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@spicy_peen: How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush

@zebrasyndicate: Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore. Me: Got it. [Later] Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I- Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

@OwensDamien: I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.