@amydillon

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

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@david8hughes

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

@BridgetPhetasy

In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

@Dutch_50

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

@wickedsuga

Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.

@elunatyk

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

@VodkaThursday

Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it

@ArfMeasures

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

@IamJackBoot

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

@chloethesiren

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”