*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
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Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
When he asks for feet pics
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo