Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

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*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no


Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.


In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.


[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day


Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her

Bartender: Oh yeah?

Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th

::rushes home::


9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.


My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”


[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent


*priest says a final prayer*
*harambe’s casket is lowered into the ground*
*toddler falls in*


Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”