*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her
Bartender: Oh yeah?
Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent
*priest says a final prayer*
*harambe’s casket is lowered into the ground*
*toddler falls in*
Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”