Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store