Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?
Romeo: God woman, can I just take a shit in peace?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
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Well, this certainly took a turn
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU
Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use
Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.