Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
going to the ER y’all need anything
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?