Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
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Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
had to make it
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
car not found
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral