[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
This sounds bad:
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
so this horse walks into a bar
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.