[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

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Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.


Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.


I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.


HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia


I’m not really a ‘walk of shame’ kind of girl. Im more of a ‘put it back in my nightstand drawer when I’m finished & roll over’ kind of girl


It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house


First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.


The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.


In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.