[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.


Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.


If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!


hey teens ! if you think you’re angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.



1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie


I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.


Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.


do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there


Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?