@PetrickSara

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

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@PlopWaffle

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

@RafaelaStoakes

If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!

@darth__mouth

hey teens ! if you think you’re angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.

@fro_vo

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

@karanbirtinna

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

@ch000ch

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

@kingsleyyy

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?