[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You Might Also Like
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: