married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.


Real Road Signs
(What they mean)

“Rough road”
(Road sucks)

“Construction zone”
(Unattended orange cone zone)

“Lanes shift”
(Confusing af)


[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
-Then no


Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’


If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.


Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction


Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats


Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.


Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.