@E_lok44

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

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@dumbbeezie

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

@SteveKoehler22

Real Road Signs
(What they mean)

“Rough road”
(Road sucks)

“Construction zone”
(Unattended orange cone zone)

“Lanes shift”
(Confusing af)

@AndyAsAdjective

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

@mack44_d

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@gilbertjasono

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

@BadMikeyBad

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

@seamusmckracken

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

@omgthatspunny

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.