@E_lok44

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

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@murrman5

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

@Darlainky

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

@loribuckmajor

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

@notacroc

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

@EffdotEss

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

@TheHyyyype

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

@nachosarah

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

@PetrickSara

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

@GroovyTasia

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind