married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

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[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it


At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?


Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.


ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*


When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.


[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”


hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield


[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.


Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind