MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
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[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”