@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

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@heyitsJudeD

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

@Mr_Kapowski

90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don’t do yoga. 100% of straight men don’t care.

@Brampersandon_

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

@HousewifeOfHell

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

@AllanForsyth

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

@DaddyJew

Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow

Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built

Me: that is correct

B: can I come hang?

@dumbbeezie

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

@NewDadNotes

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.