Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
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90% of women that wear yoga pants probably don’t do yoga. 100% of straight men don’t care.
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow
Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built
Me: that is correct
B: can I come hang?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.