@citizenkawala

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

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@iwearaonesie

me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@AmericanGent69

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

@timdonakowski

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

@TimHaynesJr

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

@NotGaryBusey

If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?

@BackrowSeats

Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.

@ADHDeanASL

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.