Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
How to wake up a Beagle
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.