@sofarrsogud

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

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@thepunningman

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

@clichedout

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

@jellybnbonanza

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

@bmarked21

Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.

@WilliamRodgers

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

@BraandoCommando

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

@Reverend_Scott

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

@PleaseBeGneiss

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.