You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

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“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please



my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras


Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?


Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.


It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…


[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard


God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad


Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book


[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.