#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
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Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Um … Hot Wings please
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.