god: you’re a pig
god: you’re filthy
god: you eat slop from a trough
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[inventor of black licorice]
What if you could eat a tire?
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My wife is at a movie tonight. The house is empty. You know what that means.
Bubble bath with all the lights on because I thought I heard a noise.