@TylerLinkin

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

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@FredTaming

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

@JPHaddadio

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

@Book_Krazy

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

@AtticusFinch79

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

@AndrewChamings

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

@HatfieldAnne

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

@slimmy_shady

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

@10kbabyspiders

My wife is at a movie tonight. The house is empty. You know what that means.

Bubble bath with all the lights on because I thought I heard a noise.