Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine