marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.