@SteussieErica

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

@Jake_Vig

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

@KelleysBreakRm

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

@krisv_723

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

@weinerdog4life

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

@TuffyNyC

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

@Reverend_Scott

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

@SentenceReduced

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

@ruinedpicnic

(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]