@SteussieErica

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

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@matt___nelson

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

@jnapsalot

You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.

@prufrockluvsong

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

@dadmann_walking

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

@BeagirlNJ

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

@carlyken

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

@Mike_Bianchi

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

@Chumpstring

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

@jackiembouvier

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

@usermcuserface

I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.