Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*


You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.


me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass


I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.


Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food



husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it


To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.


In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.


I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.


I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.