Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Not helping
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep