Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!

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i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt


Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials


My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword


my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog


“My God, George… your face!”
“Oh no…”
“What’s happening?!?”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”


*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*


Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread


It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”