
i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt
Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: Dave got arrested for forgery
Her: For real?
Me: No for fake
My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword
my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog
“My God, George… your face!”
“Oh no…”
“What’s happening?!?”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”