i’m old enough to remember when yogurt was hellogurt
Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: Dave got arrested for forgery
Her: For real?
Me: No for fake
My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword
my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog
“My God, George… your face!”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”