if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
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Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I’d hang this in my house.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Don’t forget to tip your server
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
peeping toms
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.