@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!

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@Reverend_Scott

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

@joeljeffrey

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

@jenspyra

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

@ObscureGent

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

@TheRolo

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

@TurboJellyBean

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

@_elvishpresley_

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

@AliceAvizandum

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop