Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
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Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
IT’S-A ME,
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power