@howe007

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@ch000ch

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

@TweetsByKaylee

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

@CaucasianJames

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

@JediGigi

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

@DaddyJew

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

@errdayhustlah

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.