*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
🖤✌🏽
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Cashiers are always checking me out
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion