Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
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Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
why isn’t he texting back
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
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Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Stop staring at my chest dude,
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Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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Here goes….
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