*gently runs finger down your cheek
*checks finger for dust
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
You Might Also Like
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.