@InternetHippo

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

@BadJordon

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

@GinAndJif

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

@stevevsninjas

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

@prawn_meat

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

@Shanehasabeard

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

@KristinGnr

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

@pilau

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

@SardonicTart

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.