@InternetHippo

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

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@Lisabug74

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@amydillon

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@shkeeber

Her: 911, what’s your emerge-

Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!

Her: Sir, that’s not an em-

Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!

Her: I’ll send an officer.

@radtoria

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

@andreeahluscu

All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.