@InternetHippo

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

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@littlegiinge

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

@NewDadNotes

[spelling bee]

Judge: your word is cartograph

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas

Me: C-C-C-C-C-C-C-A-R-T-O-G-R-A-P-H

@climaxximus

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

@ipalatsky

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

@yerpalmildsauce

Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.

@LloBrow

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

@EyalTweet

Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?

Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.

@jazz_inmypants

[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]

Orville: *taking off his shoes*

Wilbur: um what are u doing

Orville: what if i have a bomb

@WilliamRodgers

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

@knot_eye

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.