Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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Judge: your word is cartograph
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: If that baby won’t stop crying I’m walking out & going to another restaurant.
Gf: You used to do that too.
Me: that was months ago.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?
Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.
[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]
Orville: *taking off his shoes*
Wilbur: um what are u doing
Orville: what if i have a bomb
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.