Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Labreador
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.