Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Eat…
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill