Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.