Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
So that’s what we looked like?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.