Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate