Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Just why bro?!
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.