MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.