Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
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Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”