If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
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My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.