“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“Why you watching this shit?”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Beware…..
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.