Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Who called it baking and not making love
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Phonetics
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws