@C_Hendrick

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

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@notmythirdrodeo

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@ComedyAndTruth

Hello it’s 911, what’s your emergency?” “Two boys are fighting over me” What is the problem with it? “The ugly one is winning.”

@RealCarrotFacts

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

@portmanteauface

30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.

40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@AndLookPretty

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

@3sunzzz

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

@realHamOnWry

Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.