Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*high fives self*
If a douchebag bungee jumps is it called a Bro-Yo?
Alligators gonna alligate
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.
me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.