Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”