I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Hello it’s 911, what’s your emergency?” “Two boys are fighting over me” What is the problem with it? “The ugly one is winning.”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.
40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.