@mofrorock

Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD

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@Laser_Cat

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

@jergarl

The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573…. Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.

@TomTheWicked

Boss: What’s for lunch?
Me: Food.
B: What kind of food?
M: The kind you eat.
B: …
M: …
B: …
Me: You hired me. This is your fault.

@Marlebean

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

@SamuelHlowe

Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said “Dada!” Wait, why is he using air quotes?

@roxiqt

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

@TommyKarate

In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.