me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.