I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD
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The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573…. Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.
Boss: What’s for lunch?
B: What kind of food?
M: The kind you eat.
Me: You hired me. This is your fault.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said “Dada!” Wait, why is he using air quotes?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR FANNYPACK WANT TO GO IN THE VENDING MACHINE.
In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.