Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
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I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
So inspired right now.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I would like even faster food.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway