@usermcuserface

Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave
M: I can’t believe they went off the registry.
J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.

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@TheCatWhisprer

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

@Shenaniglenns

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

@MunkMania

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

@Smiilze

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

@CatsVsHumanity

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

@AKATriple

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?

@SonOfCha

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

@clindsaysway

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

@TheAlexNevil

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

@GrantTanaka

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean