Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

You Might Also Like


Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.


I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades.

Everyone just kept yelling, “HOW MANY WORDS?” and “IS IT THE EXORCIST?”.


Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”


When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist


my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back


[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*


*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please


Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.


[circus school]
“So to tame the lion, you have this whip…”
What if the lion’s too close?
[picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”


Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.