Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
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I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades.
Everyone just kept yelling, “HOW MANY WORDS?” and “IS IT THE EXORCIST?”.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“So to tame the lion, you have this whip…”
What if the lion’s too close?
[picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.