son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
You Might Also Like
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
If you see me online 30mins after I said I was going to bed, mind ya business.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
three things we don’t talk about