Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.