Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
You Might Also Like
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering
Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.