@panmidwest

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

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@BoomBoomBetty

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

@garrydavenport

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

@sonictyrant

[Inn fight]

Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering

Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear

@SavoirFail

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

@sofarrsogud

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

@TheTimmyToes

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

@SICKOFWOLVES

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

@Tmoney68

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.