mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
peak technology
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too