Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?