@RandomManik

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

You Might Also Like

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@Megatronic13

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@shesananteater

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

@Phook75

Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear

@calamitydaisy

If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?

@chris_witha_see

Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references
“yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids”

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*

@KentWGraham

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

@hamersauce

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*