Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.
Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight!
Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise?
Me: No, that’s not it. Keep thinking! We’ll figure this out.
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex
911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what
me: yah turn it sideways
911: …holy shit
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
*an ad plays*
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.