Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string


So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.


Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight!

Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise?

Me: No, that’s not it. Keep thinking! We’ll figure this out.


Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party


The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.


me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex

911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what

me: yah turn it sideways

911: …holy shit


[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
*an ad plays*


Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?


I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?


Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.