Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

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Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.



Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME


Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.


I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.


Seriously considering robbing the ski mask store down the street but I’m having the hardest time deciding what to wear


If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?


Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references
“yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids”


Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*


I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.


gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*