Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The struggle is real
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.