Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
You Might Also Like
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…