I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
first you must answer his riddles
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.