Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
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ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I think this should do it.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!