Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

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me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady


“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“But why?”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”


I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it


Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword


Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.


Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you


Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.


I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.


my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*


If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.