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@UncleDuke1969: Mary has her cakes...
Sandra has her cookies...
@tigersgoroooar: Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I'm buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
@iwearaonesie: *sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What's the difference?
@Parkerlawyer: Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this....Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
@VerifiedDrunk: If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that's practically the same thing.
@HrBry: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate