Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
channeling her this year
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied