Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.


Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*


[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea


The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.


*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here


I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.


Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.


The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners


My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.


I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.