@HomeWithPeanut

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

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@junejuly12

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

@cravin4

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

@TheCatWhisprer

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

@fro_vo

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

@CakeThrottle

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

@kwirkyKerri

Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

@Nyx422

My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.

@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.