Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
You Might Also Like
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free